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Self Destruction
2005-03-05 / 1:54 p.m.
This body will self destruct in....
I have come to the conclusion that I am in self destruct mode and perhaps always have been. How to change this is alluding me. Sean aside from this, this started a long time before him.
Take for a moment my weight. It has always been a problem. What I would give now to be a size 16! I think I get something in my head and I have to make it be. I had it in my head that I was fat and I made sure that I reached a weight that verified it. It doesn't help that I am a compulsive eater. I eat when I'm upset, when I'm happy, when I study, sometimes if I can't sleep I'll even come downstairs and eat something just because I know there is something to eat. Absolutely unhealthy and I know it. So why can't I change it?
Next example of my self destruction is my diabetes. I see my mom struggling with dialysis and all the complications associated with diabetes. I didn't have some of the apparent symptoms so I honestly think I pushed myself until I did and I don't understand why I did it or how to correct it. I don't want to be sixty years old fighting for a kidney transplant.
Self confidence is a big self destruction mode for me. I have a job interview next week. It is a good opportunity to get some management skills under my belt but I am scared to death to do this interview. First of all, I don't interview well. I prep and prep and ultimately end up saying something I regret later. I have a lot of ghosts hanging over my head with this one too. The crap with the nursing home being a big one. I don't know how much I can divulge without risking violating the agreement or putting my own neck out on the chopping block. I can't give specifics because I don't have them. They couldn't come up with viable reasons to terminate me but yet it still haunts me. I can't very well go in and say I couldn't get along with my boss and that she was a heartless bitch that didn't give a crap about her employees when in fact that pretty much sums it up. Ultimately I am afraid that I will blow this job and right now I really need it. The other thing that weighs on my head with this position is that it is 3-11 which is my time with my boys. I keep telling myself this is a foot in the door that could lead to days but I think I am defeating myself with worry.
I also don't know how to answer the question about "where do you see yourself heading?" I see myself still actively persuing the nursing home administrator license but if I tell them that will I be discounted because they don't want short term?
I have a couple of options with my pursuit. I have to finish two more classes locally and since they are upper level classes I may have prereq's I have to do first. This requires money... I have none. They school payments are outrageous and overall I have got to get a job to get to the next step. Other options include applying out of state, getting licensure in the other state and transfering it back to New York if I choose to come back here. My kids are weighing heavy on this decision. They are begging me not to move again. They are tired of moving and quite frankly so am I. I want a final move to be just that... a final move.
I wonder if "I want this to be my first step towards administration" would be inappropriate. I had thought about hospital administration before but I am not sure I would want to do such a big hospital. Who knows I may get into this position and be so at home in the ER that I may not want to leave the department. I don't have an answer. If I get this position I would be coordinator and I would answer to a manager who answers to the supervisor. So realistically I do have opportunities for advancement.
I think I need a clear head to think with and with my homework due I don't think I will have it until it is done. Unfortunately, I am having a hard time doing it because I have so much on my mind.
The wonderful world of Catch-22. You think you are insane but if you are able to be aware of it you can't be insane because if you really were... you wouldn't know it.
I guess I'm struggling with choices. I just keep reminding myself of what a friend of mine told me... you always have choices and when you make a choice and it is not the right one you still have other choices available. They may not be the choice of going back but there are still choices for going forward.
Now if I can get that into my thick head maybe I could get somewhere.
The Last Chapter / The Next Chapter
Missed A Page?
Been Awhile - 2005-04-16
Your Stupid - 2005-04-06
The haze - 2005-04-05
YMCA Visit - 2005-03-14
And so I begin - 2005-03-13