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scrooge
2004-12-24 / 4:44 p.m.
This entry is not for the fair of heart. If you don't want to hear me bitch; this entry is not for you.
It would be easier to list the things I like today instead of what I hate; the list would be shorter. I am miserable. My period is about to start (someday soon I hope) thus ruining my trip to Georgia and it has left me beyond moody. It was supposed to start this past Tuesday. Nope it is going to wait until I am ready to hit the road instead.
We went shopping the other night to finish up. I cannot believe how many times I heard "I hate Christmas" and I echo those thoughts. It's all about the money. How much did we spend? About 1000-1200 if not a little more. Completely unintentional but yet we did. Blaine's gun was an easy $200 and so was the guitar so that is the bulk right there. It's not like we went overboard with the amount but that's not the point. One major and maybe a couple minor - that should be enough. But nope, we have to deal with the guilt trips of friends and family members. More more more. Give me a freaking break. The result, very little money to do Georgia with. I love the way I let people influence my life.
So that brings me down to the next matter at hand. First let's talk about P.A.T. Sean's "friend" that is driving me f* crazy. His girlfriend and I have been stripping the furniture. She much more than myself but that is because I have been doing the other end of the business. Regardless. I'm in the middle of stripping a piece of furniture and he takes my brace out from under my pan. It is only tilting the pan so I don't have to have as much stripper in the pan and the residue dries in the upper portion of the pan and can be scraped off. But, this causes the pan to splatter and of course it splatters me and now all my drying residue is now back mixed in with my liquid; making a thick sludge. Thank you a**hole. He did this to me twice and I told him if he did it again he better have quick reflexes because what ever I was stripping was going to be upside his damn head. So now Sean is pissed at me because I told him there was a reason I quit stripping the first time and I won't be doing it again. I didn't go over today. I would have killed someone. Oh and to top it off P.A.T. comes over with his dog which excites my dog and they go tearing threw the living room where I have the family's gifts out getting them wrapped and desperately trying to make the post office. That didn't happen.
Now the Georgia trip has been a pain in the ass. I want to go and I don't want to go. We bought the dvd/tv for the van - it is too big for the slot. Not a problem - Sean said he'd rig something; not happening now. Take it back? Who are you kidding? Now... now I have (better sit down) thirteen, yes thirteen, people I have to squeeze into my van. 11 kids. And why is this you may ask? Because T wanted to bring her son that doesn't live with her. Because of this C's daughter called up her mom who in turn called up C and said if he could take her and her kids then he could take all of his too. Well almost all, the oldest is not coming. So C's 4, T's 4 and my 3 are going to cram into my van for a very very very long ride. One would think that it could be a controllable situation. Not on your life because C's exwife has informed her kids they don't have to listen to me or T. I promptly told C that it is my van and my vacation and they will listen or they will sit their butts in the van with an adult without tv, without radio, without games... just luxurious thinking time while the rest enjoy an activity. That went over like a lead balloon. He doesn't want to be responsible for his kids but he doesn't want us to enforce rules either. WTF? Yes Mon this the same guy who started the fueding with me and Sean over marriage. This is also the same guy who convinced Sean not to help me make my school payments. And people wonder why I am always in a pissy mood.
Anyways. I was supposed to make reservation for the dolphin tours. I gave up. I no longer know who wants to go, who is going, or how many people will be there so that just went out the window because it is not a regularly scheduled tour. It is reserved for a specific day and time. Oh well. I guess I can always lock myself in my hotel room and hide.
My kids, I love them but they are driving me insane. Blaine is at the battle of the wills age and I just don't have time for it right now. We are trying to get ready to go but I keep having to run back and forth to break up fights between his brothers.
Calgon take me away!!
So do I normally consider myself this hard to work with? No I don't but I have to tell you I am feeling that smothering, dominating, control that I felt at the nursing home. Yep, this is the feeling.
So anyways, I reiterated today that I hate Christmas and my son informed me that that meant I wished Jesus had never been born. Yep I needed that trip today too. I then became very explicit on why Jesus's birth had nothing to do with my sentiments. He's too young to understand why December 25th was chosen as the christian date for his birth. Yes I know. Perhaps if in our family this was the reason the day was celebrated it wouldn't be such a pain in the butt for me. You know something though; I used to love Christmas. I loved giving the gifts, wrapping them, watching the kids tear them up. I used to enjoy the meals and even though I knew me and mom would get into before the day was over I still loved the holidays. Since I've been with Sean, I hate them and now he likes them.
We still agree that we are splitting. In fact we've confirmed that again today. It is just too late for any changes he has tried to make. Yes he's finally working - took 4 years. Yes he's not seeing anyone on the side - again this is only 2 years, maybe going on three but regardless - we've been together for 7.
I just feel so drained I just don't care anymore. I can't keep up with his new found energy and I don't want to. As soon as I get up the energy he sucks it right out of me when he crashes. "You used to be so supportive..." and statements of the such just make me want to vomit.
Is it truly possible to pull yourself out of such a rut and find happiness? Yes that is a rhetorical question. I know the answer, you know the answer, but what I don't know is where to draw the strength on to just say enough is enough and make the leap of faith. It's like standing on top of a cliff with ragged rocks at the bottom. If you jump too shallow, you are crushed on the rocks. If you jump just a little further, the water will crush you against the rocks. You have to take a running leap to ensure that you clear both danger spots and be able to swim to safety. I am the one who is still standing at the edge of the cliff looking down. I visit here often but I always turn and walk away.
This mood sucks. I hope tomorrow is better. I hope my period starts soon, it usually promotes this mood and once it starts it subsides a little. The doctor's cure for it: prozac. Oh hell no.
One step at a time is my answer. I just need to take the first step. I suppose it is much like the wife who goes home to the abusive husband. No one understands why. I can judge but am I any better?
See I told you I was in a pissy mood.
The Last Chapter / The Next Chapter
Missed A Page?
Been Awhile - 2005-04-16
Your Stupid - 2005-04-06
The haze - 2005-04-05
YMCA Visit - 2005-03-14
And so I begin - 2005-03-13