Next Chapter
Today's Story
Table of Contents
�
�
Letting Go
2004-09-24 / 3:29 p.m.
Letting go. How do you do it and stick to it? How do you say goodbye to someone you have cared about for 14 years. That is how long it has been since SO and I met. It has been 7 years together this time around but I never stopped caring for him when we were apart. I don't know how to do it. I know it is the right choice but I don't know how to make it come to be.
I can't say I don't still care for him, I do. But I can't say that I love him either. The fighting has gotten worse, and sex well... "what's that?" and since that was a good thing I can say I truly notice that not being present.
It's not like he drinks and beats me. We've only ever had 2 physical altercations and I promise you that he went away hurting too. After that, we both knew it just wasn't worth the pain. Yeah I know, it's not funny but I do laugh about it now because of what got thrown and swung. I guess he should have ducked faster when the coat tree went flying. Anyway... that's not the point. That is in essence, history.
So what continues to lead me to the fork in the road?
The marriage issue hasn't been left to lie alone. Now it is causing friction between me and the guy who said it, moreso than usual. Why? Because SO keeps blaming him for my mood. I finally told SO "Why don't you take responsibility for your own actions? or in this case nonactions? You don't think waiting 14 years for you to marry me has anything to do with it?"
Then there's the divorce thing. The other night he popped off with "It's not the marriage that is bothering me, it's the divorce."
You could have knocked me over with a feather. He doesn't want to get his divorce now. And low and behold... she's started calling again.
Why am I this stupid? Have I really gotten to the all time self esteem low that I need to stay in this mess because even bad attention is still attention?
So what's my excuse for staying this time? You'll love this. Football. I don't want to move my kids again because my eldest is enjoying football. What's next? Basketball?
I am truly my own worst enemy. I should learn to take my own advise. I'm working on it. I know everyone is tired of hearing me talk about it, so I'll leave it as I am working on it.
I don't really know where I will go. I don't really want to leach on to anyone's life. I guess I am just feeling a little lost.
One thing I can say is that my mom actually seemed okay when I said I wanted to leave. Usually it is "Sure, bring us out here and then leave us." but this time when she started my response was "Mom, I need to do this. I need to be someplace where I can be me and be happy and let the kids be happy. I just need this." She simply said "ok". So maybe if this does happen, everything will work out.
I have a lot of prepping to do. A lot of sorting, some money saving and maybe by then football will be over. Maybe by then I'll have enough courage to do it.
I just can't see continuing to live like this. I don't even smile anymore.
The Last Chapter / The Next Chapter
Missed A Page?
Been Awhile - 2005-04-16
Your Stupid - 2005-04-06
The haze - 2005-04-05
YMCA Visit - 2005-03-14
And so I begin - 2005-03-13