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No one is going to do it for me
2004-10-14 / 9:13 a.m.
So my friend asked me what happened to my journals so I guess I'd better vent now. Admittedly I am alot more calm than I was initially. Reading through the signatures of my senior yearbook really set me off.
I guess I don't remember being as miserable as alot of people let on when they signed and a couple of people who signed it were so judgemental. Where did these people get off thinking they were better than me? I know I wasn't an angel. I know that I was going through some times with my mom especially when she found out about Bobbie but that was some of my best memories. I can't help but wonder why some of my acquaintances thought it was necessary to "work through it". I didn't want to work through it. Yes having a lesbian relationship cost me some friends. That wasn't pleasant by any means. But I loved Bobbie. We had a fantastic time, she took walks with me, took me places, bought me things. My eighteenth birthday she had 18 long stem roses delivered to me at school. I was loving every minute of it. So tell me... why did I need to "work through it?" Her drug habit became too much for us to handle and our paths seperated. That is how life works. Many people's paths cross and travel together and then they fork and people go their own way. It is called life.
I loved the entries that started off with "You were a great friend but..." what but? I always tried to be friends with everyone which I have to tell you bit me in the ass more than once and now I have a hard time trusting alot of people. I don't want to trust them, especially when I see them doing the "I'm friends with her... until her back is turned" routine. Give me a break. I thought we were out of high school.
In high school I had a nice little shell I liked to live in. Then and now I struggled with self esteem, self confidence and struggling to just fit in. Let's talk about the few times I tried to break out of that shell. I ran for class treasurer... this is where the "You were a great friend but..." came in. I was good enough to speak to but I think I may have gotten 10 votes. Total popularity contest. I dressed up for the Spirit weeks, that pretty much got me called a dork. I tried to be there for everyone and it got me no where. Does it sound like I'm bitching? Yes I am. Why? Because I still do it. Now... Now I am tired of doing it.
My new motto is "No one is going to do it for me." I suppose in essence I started that back in March when I decided to go back to school. Admittedly though, I sure had more wind in my sails then. Losing my job I feel like I have lost me. I still walk around in a daze upon occassion and I just need to shake these cobwebs.
So, I've concluded that I need to break out of my shell. My first crack will be a spiritual retreat. Why spiritual? Because all I have done since March is think about death. I drive down the street and I get the pit in my stomach and the headache from just thinking about it. I think about it constantly and quite frankly, it is annoying and its turning me into a recluse in some form. I know that this is a sign of depression. I don't need a doctor to prescribe drugs (well maybe I do but I'm trying alternatives first). I'm doing the retreat because I feel like there is more to spirituality than going to church on Sunday and listening to a preacher tell me to "do this or go to hell". So perhaps exploring the Christian Pagan isn't such a bad idea. Who was it that said "Death is easy, it's life you have to work at" (I think it was Jack Lamane- exercise guru). I don't want to get to death and look back and say "what did I do?" I'm not looking to have my only mark on this world be a gravestone and I don't want a life of regrets so Step 1 for me will be spiritual. Living a little better and hopefully worrying a lot less. Death is inevitable. I guess I just need some reassurance and to believe a little more in myself.
I think I'm off my soap box now. I have a billion things to do to get ready for this trip so here's where I start and why is this... because "No one is going to do it for me."
The Last Chapter / The Next Chapter
Missed A Page?
Been Awhile - 2005-04-16
Your Stupid - 2005-04-06
The haze - 2005-04-05
YMCA Visit - 2005-03-14
And so I begin - 2005-03-13