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I see the frown, the creases in my brow, the discolorations from sun exposure, the double (maybe triple now) chin.

There is no beauty there. No hope.

I can't take my own advise, I can psychoanalize my entire life. I can blame others, I don't blame others for not listening anymore. It's the same thing over and over. Except this time, it wasn't him.

He looked just as sad as I did as the poking at our supposed wedding went on for twenty minutes.

We all laughed at first and then it was like a knife cutting through my chest. This guy was like the bad drunk at a party who just wanted to spread his miserable philosophy and he did a good job at it.

I got up to leave for fear the tears would fall. He "meant no harm" but the truth strikes deep.

The tears no longer sting my eyes, they fall now, streaking my cheeks and I fight back the feeling of panic in my chest. Hyperventilating is not all it is cracked up to be. The heaviness in the chest, the tightness of your airway the feeling of suffocation. Panic attacks are such a wonderful thing. I suppose they remind you you are alive. I am beginning to think I need prozac. I suppose to everyone who knows my hx of SO would have reason to poke fun at our relationship. I guess it really isn't anything other than a big joke and the joke is on me. Right? or is it? I watched him across the table and I could see the pain in his own eyes or was it pity?

It is at this point that I am beginning to think that this depression is beyond my scope.. It is not that I am looking for pity, this is my own mess. I am looking for the peace within me and it is so far lost I don't know if I can find it again.

Even writing doesn't seem to help this time. This too will pass...

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The Last Chapter / The Next Chapter

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