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tick tock
2004-12-09 / 10:14 p.m.
Fear not death... it is life that will kill you.
My revelation for the day. It is not death that I fear though death is the veil I chose to drape. Why is that? Because I am afraid of life. Right now in my life I don't fear death because what is coming after I fear that when death comes I will regret my life because I don't feel like I've lived very much. If I died right now I would die with great sadness and regret. Regret for what I've not done and things I have done. Would my children be prepared for what is to come? Would I have given them the foundation for what they need? No I haven't. In fact I haven't given myself this foundation.
So why is it I chose to stay in this bad pattern? (other than stupidity) Fear of the unknown. I don't know what will happen if I leave.
This sounds pathetic but part of me wants to do it totally alone. I love my mom, don't get me wrong, but her comment about me "getting to be too old to be employable" really irked the shit out of me. I have three classes left on my degree and she wants me to go get a job, any kind of job, no matter if it is related to my degree or not. To me 33 is not old. If women can have babies when they are 50 and 60 yrs old then 33 is not too old. I'll be 34 when I finally have that damn degree in my hands. She sucks the life out of me. It's not that she can't be supportive, at times she really can, but part of me is hidden because of the confrontation that will ensue. Actually a big part of me. I don't like conflict, especially with her because I really would be lost without her now. Part of me feels like I need to wait until she dies before I can live because she can't accept the choices I make in my life. But I'm not ready for her die so I'm not adding any unneeded aggravation b/c she is so unhealthy right now.
I know this is jumping all over the place. Scattered thoughts that I needed to write to sort out.
I remember writing a list of 100 things I want to do before I die. I have no idea where it is so I should (will) make another list. It is time to move on and move forward so why does my heart break at the thought.
We have nothing in common any more. We don't want the same things, we don't want to do the same things, we make each other miserable! But the thought hurts my heart. I wonder if it's anything like the infatuation hostages get with their abductors?
My mind reels with where I should go and what I should do. How I would get there and so on. Money is a big factor. It's not like I can up and leave with 3 boys and expect them to what... live in the van until I get situated?
My brain is actually tired from juggling around all the what if's and should I's and yet my butt still sits in this chair. Wondering where he went and what he did with the letter he was writing me.
He told me he wasn't going to worry about it; that this would blow over in a couple of days. So it's been a couple of days and he tried to cuddle up with me in front of his "friends" and I told him I didn't want to be touched. So he left. I assume over to Spanky's house.
Spanky is the wonderful reason he is no longer willing to help me with paying for school. He put it into SO's head that it was too much money and he was nuts for helping me. Yes that is the revelation as to why he is no longer willing to help with my school. Of course he didn't stop to think that with the degree a lot of jobs open up to me, good paying jobs, and he would no longer have to support me and my kids. Duh!
So the clock ticks like a drum in my ear... tick tock tick tock, slowly winding down as the springs loosen with every turn of the hands. I am reaching for the key to rewind that clock but I can just feel it with my fingertips. No one else can wind this clock for me and I know it but I don't know is if I have the strength to stretch for the key to rewind it. I also don't know if once rewound if I will only listen to the sounds ticking and watch as the hands move slowly on or if I will only glance at it when it needs to be rewound and be able to look back at the time that has passed and be glad that I stretched.
Tick...tock...tick...tock...tick........
The Last Chapter / The Next Chapter
Missed A Page?
Been Awhile - 2005-04-16
Your Stupid - 2005-04-06
The haze - 2005-04-05
YMCA Visit - 2005-03-14
And so I begin - 2005-03-13