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Venting without heat
2004-11-07 / 9:23 a.m.
So I am done fuming. After talking with him I've concluded he was either alone or has become a better liar. Just because I think I can bust him most of the time when he is lieing I will conceed to he was alone. I know, not a very healthy relationship.
So I received my first experience at witch camp. What an emotional rollercoaster that I would not have traded for the world. It rekindled my ability to play with my aura and see others. It reopened my senses. In part it eliminated some of my fears of the unknowns (primarily because with guidance, some of them are "knowns" now). It put my heart and soul to ease in so many areas and I don't want to let that go.
Then I was flung back into my world. I believe I described it as jumping off a moving truck. In other words, trying to stay running so I don't fall. So what did I come home to?
A semi-messy house that I can deal with. Nothing major other than mess except the sink in the bathroom (which was black) and the stacks of dishes (which was an inconvenience and annoyance but they assure me dishes were done while I was gone).
Homework.... lots and lots of homework. I will definately have to do better planning where that is concerned next time (and yes I do mean next time).
S.O.... he's currently a little weirded out. Actually he has annoyed me with this because he knew where I was going, knew what I was doing and didn't seem like he had a problem with it. I was bubbling over with things to discuss with him. Things I wanted to share with him that had taken a load off of my mind. He said he didn't appreciate me trying to force my beliefs on him. What a crock of shit. Why did he say this? Because I said we needed to get the leaks fixed and I wanted to change the faucets so JoJo would be able to get them on and off easier. And I told him he shouldn't let the water run when he's brushing his teeth and I was telling him about the saying "When it's yellow...." Mind you, this was not at the same time. His concern was whether or not I visited "Lilith's Garden". He was "wondering", I told him to keep "wondering". I was upset, not pissed, just upset because I was under the impression that he would be at least receptive to the ideas. So it only gets better.
During camp, we did a little magic which consisted of clearing out clutter. I decided at that time, not to toss SO out on his ear but rather, let go of some of the past issues because he has been making an effort towards making "us" work. At least in my eyes. Anyway, I burnt the issues and I really felt like I had let them go. When I got home, there was an IM from someone I absolutely despise. She's a skank and she hasn't been around in so long, I guess I didn't think to put her on my list. I was fuming mad. I told him of all the people, why her? He tried to assure me it was nothing and I was over exaggerating but that wasn't the point. The point is he knows how I feel about her and don't want him around her period. I know he cheated on his wife with her and she is just NASTY.
But as if that wasn't enough he told me that he didn't miss me while I was gone. He can't tell whether it was because he just doesn't care anymore or if he was just comfortable enough with me that he knew everything was alright. He felt "nothing" AND... now that I am back... he still feels "nothing". I thought it was a little ironic that last night he asked me why I haven't satisfied him "orally" lately. Get a clue! I think he thinks there is someone else. Maybe there should be.
Okay so here's the kicker.... my mom. My mom was upset because I was gone for "so long". Not that I went but because I stayed away for so long that I "hurt" my children. How they suffered while I was gone and missed me and blah blah blah. I wanted to scream, absolutely scream at the top of my lungs that even though I have children and I love them that I have completely lost my identity and am on the verge of losing my sanity. With such a warm reception from her I just opted to tell her that I went camping in Texas for a week and didn't want to discuss it. I wear the ring but have been conscious of not letting her see it. Why? Because I am not fully armed for the battle that is going to ensue when she sees it.
For the record, I have been home for five days. I have ran out of heat twice (yes it is gone again this morning, we are spending about $300.00 a month on kerosene... yep moving her was a goooood idea), two of my boys are sick (big surprise) I want to alienate myself from everyone, I have crammed three weeks of homework into 3 days, I have fallen down the ramp that goes into our house because it was iced over, started my period, fought with Sean, done a birthday party, and now that I can sense my aura again, I can feel it squeezing into my body like a vacuum pack seal.
The upside, my Arizona allergies thankfully subsides within hours of being on the plane, I took the kids to see The Incredibles - highly recommend and it will be a part of my video collection, got asked if being in Texas "turned me into a republican" (okay so Ravenfire will understand the humor in that statement)and overall I am glad to be home with my boys. Now that I am home and settled in.... I'm ready to head back out.
I know, I wrote a book. I will write more on camp later. I'm awaiting the arrival of my journal which I left there. It will help me guide some thoughts for writing on it.
The Last Chapter / The Next Chapter
Missed A Page?
Been Awhile - 2005-04-16
Your Stupid - 2005-04-06
The haze - 2005-04-05
YMCA Visit - 2005-03-14
And so I begin - 2005-03-13